Being With How Things Are

Dear Seekers,

In a recent Spoke Circle, participants expressed frustration about how their fear holds them back from taking big leaps. This is one major misconception about emotions--they are never the problem, it's how we decide to respond to them that impacts our life outcomes. For this group in particular, fear wasn't holding them back as they thought, it was the avoidance of feeling the fear that was preventing them from moving through it. The list could go on: it's not your jealousy that is an issue, it's that you react to that jealousy by trying to control what your partner does. It's not your fear that's the problem, it's that when fear arises you might drink it away, talk it away, shop it away, etc. It's not your headache that is holding you back, it's ignoring the message that the headache has for you that continues to bring you suffering. 

Often times, we come up with stories to protect us from having to feel negative emotions, as a way to dilute or distract from them. For example, if you are dating someone and not hearing from them, you might tell yourself "they've got a lot going on at work, their dog died, etc" as a way to avoid feeling worried, sad, or rejected. This keeps you in a state of stable ambiguity, unable to take action because you're focusing solely on the other, instead of inviting in the self (the only agent of change you've got!).