Dear Seekers,
My community and I have been reflecting on what gets in the way of us having the deepest connections. Many helpers, healers, caregivers, those typically named "resilient" or "strong," are the ones with histories of having to be ok when they weren't. As a result, we've become practiced in downplaying our pain to others and telling watered down versions of the truth to uphold an identity of put-togetherness. I've learned that these strategies are excellent hiding places, and as a result actually discourage genuine closeness. Consider the power dynamic being asserted if I am always the one that has things figured out, while encouraging everyone else to fall apart. Those who ask others to trust them, must first be aware of how they are showing up in order to elicit that trust.
Dear Seekers,
Many of us have gotten very good at talking ourselves out of emotions. One common way people walk away from their anger or hurt is by calling themselves "overly sensitive." Systems of oppression and their proponents love this...as long as the problem is located inside you, then you don't have to be mad at the forces that made you feel like too much or not enough. If someone has every criticized your emotion, they are usually saying "your feeling makes me uncomfortable, so I am going to try to dismantle it, rather than deal with my own discomfort." Our anger can be a catalyst for change, if we choose to focus on how it exists inside of us, not just venting about the actions outside of us. Once we recognize that our anger might actually be a “tragic expression of unmet needs” (Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of The Center for Nonviolent Communication), or a potential sign that something is not ok, we begin to give it what it needs: recognition, validation, and an opportunity for justice.
Dear Seekers,
There is nothing wrong with ambition, but what does one do when their hope becomes agonizing? To want to live a full life is a worthwhile desire, but what happens if your constant striving gets in the way of you enjoying the way things are?
Dear Seekers,
Here are 6 things I lived through and what I took from them. Passing them onto all of you, in the case that they may be supportive in navigating your personal paths. Take what you want and leave the rest. (Scroll to the bottom for 7 new offerings and photo recap of 2022.)
Dear Seekers,
What would it be like if you didn't have to prove yourself to anyone? How might you show up differently if you weren't trying to be liked and understood today? While I am by no means advocating for not giving a fuck, I have found it worthwhile, in those moments when I am working for a gold star, to instead look inward and be with the lack in myself, instead of "push outwards" (poet Kae Tempest) to avoid it.
Dear Seekers,
'Tis the season of appetites. When many of us notice the things we want, material or otherwise, and either lean into or resist the grief associated with what we don't have--partnership, loving community, a warm weather vacation planned, a child, that unwritten manuscript, or a fancy dress to wear to that party.
Dear Seekers,
Many people don't say what they really think and feel because they don't want to be "mean" or "hurt" another person. Somewhere along the way we started to buy into the cultural norm that we should avoid tough conversations in the name of being nice--girls, for example, are often reared to keep harmony in relationships at the expense of having a definitive and expressive self.
Dear Seekers,
WTF is closeness? It's a word we throw around at Spoke, but I feel it requires more specificity. We will be exploring this question in our firstFireside Chat, which aims to help people self-define what is "good enough" in their relationships and careers. But in short (for now)--for me, closeness with others is completely determined by my willingness to listen (with no intent to change, fix or convince) and to put my defensiveness (the anxiety that arises in order to challenge or avoid criticism) aside.
Dear Seekers,
In Spoke's More Ease series, we talked about how shame exists in our bodies, and how avoiding being with those sensations prevents us from living the lives we want. I don't know about your shame, but mine makes me want to close my eyes, I don't want to see it, and then it attempts to shut my body down. In that vein, Dr. David Hawkins', MD, PhD, work showed that emotions have measurable energy and can either foster or negate actual cell life. Out of all the emotions, shame has the lowest vibration in the emotional spectrum, preventing us from moving toward closeness and other things we want. And yet, shame is human, we all have it (even if we don't feel it). Shame needs to be revealed (and met with compassion and empathy), but oh my, does it hate to be exposed, it thrives off secrecy and avoidance.
Dear Seekers,
My next column is about the difference between niceness and kindness (stay tuned!). Writing it got me thinking about one of the lesser known survival responses--most of us have heard of fight/flight/freeze as ways the nervous system seeks safety when it experiences a threat--but fawning is one that gets overlooked. In my experience as a therapist and group facilitator, fawning is particularly present in groups of women (across race, culture, and socioeconomic status). I do not think the response has anything to do with sex, but rather how women have been socialized to be likable and warm to ensure all kinds of psychic and bodily safety.
Dear Seekers,
We are living in a moment when being our "best selves" is regarded as a worthwhile pursuit. We are told to project manage the human experience--for it is noble and the "right" thing to do to seek improvement of our personal, professional, physical, spiritual, and emotional selves every day. We are told to pitch the "good" parts of us in job interviews, on dates, and to prospective friends. It is becoming a radical thing to just show up, unpackaged and unfiltered.
Dear Seekers,
I often hear from friends and clients that parenting in America can be a very lonely experience, as the emphasis is placed on individualism versus leaning on and developing community support in child rearing. This increases pressure on parents to be everything for their children, leading to burnout and inconsistencies. From a family systems perspective, the emphasis on a child’s development is placed on the caregiver and larger family unit to help shape a child’s sense of self, so what happens if caregivers are unavailable or limited in some capacity?