Craving vs. Desire
What are you really hungry for?
Many of us find ourselves living a life driven by our cravings. We feel propelled by acquiring (new shoes, perhaps?), possessing (having a partner to ourselves?), and consuming (drinking alcohol most days of the week). There is absolutely nothing wrong or bad about any of this, however it may be worth getting curious about what it is we are really going after when we reach for the thing we think we’re hungry for.
What does it mean to want?
I want to talk about the difference between a soul desire and a craving. To live from a place of guttural desire means to be guided by our hopes and dreams, surrendering to them without guilt or shame. Many of us have received critical messages about and reactions to our desires—told that we are “undeserving,” that we want “too much,” and most frequently, that we are “selfish.” Women, and others with oppressed social identities, are particularly vulnerable to being disparaged for wanting.
Let’s glance at the familial and societal messages we’ve received about our desires. In early childhood, our dependence on our parents is so profound that we will do anything not to lose them, including suppressing our own needs and emotions in order to maintain connection. Early in classical psychology, women’s curiosity was labeled as “nosy” and our intuitions were rejected and de-legitimized.
“The way to maintain one’s connection to the wild is to ask yourself what it is that you want. This is the sorting of the seed from the dirt. One of the most important discriminations we can make in this matter is the difference between things that beckon to us and things that call from our souls.”
In fact, research shows that the fewer choices we have as women, the happier we are with our decisions. We have been discouraged from wildly going after our yearnings, and for many of us, the proverbial bars have worked as an effective container: we become overwhelmed by choice thus, saying yes to most things, saying no to few things, and feeling paralyzed by the options.
When desires are dangerous…
The dominant (ahem capitalist) culture isn’t invested in asking women what they truly want, so instead it offers up what they crave. A la Susie Orbach and Esther Perel, the restrictions put on the desires of marginalized groups wouldn't be as aggressive as they are if these desires were minimal—the energy behind them must be incredibly powerful if they inspire such fear and unleash such intense efforts to control them. The societal pressures applied serve to reroute our desires into cravings, thereby simultaneously controlling and minimizing them.
Here’s how it happens. When we begin to feel guilt and shame about wanting (either “too much” or something we believe is “out of reach), when we become flooded by the magnitude of how much we need and begin to experience uncertainty about the next step amid a huge mass of wanting, we reach for release or a “dopamine” hit. Craving is defined as the narrowing of focus and motivation to only one thing. Dopamine decreases the noise in our brains. The more we give in to these cravings, the more our bodies adjust to the possibility of relief, and the less contact we have with the message that the noise is trying to give us.
What would living freely in yourself look like?
Because our soul desires are so messy and so great, we manage the associated anxiety by simplifying these desires into craving satiation…for love, sex, food, alcohol, spending. In the words of the late psychologist and author Caroline Knapp “Things — identifiable objects, products, goals with clear labels and price tags, men you've known for five minutes — make such a handy repository for hungers, such an easy mask for other desires, and such a ready cure for the feelings of edgy discontent that emerge when other desires are either thwarted or unnamed.” She reminds us to stand firm and rooted in the wanting. I once read that the definition of desire is “to hold oneself in the presence of another.” To not give up what you want or need because someone else wants or needs something from you. What needs to shift in your life to hold onto yourself, live freely in yourself, in the presence of others?
At Spoke, we believe in supporting you in going after what you want with the full force of your being. In January’s circle, we will be exploring the opportunities and challenges associated with Love and Money to provide you with the tools for getting where you really want to go.
Lia Love Avellino
With the middle name “Love,” Lia was destined to seek connection. She has done so in a variety of professional capacities, including as a licensed social worker, published sex and relationships author, and a facilitator and community organizer implementing population-based interventions.
Lia is on a mission to bring the science and ethos of therapy outside of the clinical setting. To this end, she developed a support circle model, culling from research in the social sciences, fiction and fable, and personal and professional lived experiences.
Lia is the Director of Head and Heart at The Well, a science-backed ecosystem for wellness in the heart of NYC and a therapist specializing in modern love and gender- and sexuality-based traumas at Rennicke & Associates. . With a commitment to making research more accessible to the public, Lia writes content for a variety of publications, including Glamour, BestLife and The American Journal of Sexuality Education.
