Dear Seekers,
In every Spoke Circle we partake in a journey of 3 paths: social and cultural analysis, self-observation (not self-blame), and embodiment (experiencing not thinking). Much of psychology attempts to root our struggles in our personhood--blaming the individual for her mental and emotional ills, rather than sharing responsibility with the systems and institutions that have worked hard to keep her sick. This is convenient because if she is waging an internal war against herself, she is not going up against patriarchal and racist structures that benefit from her staying small. In our recent Nourishment: Food, Body Image and Hunger series, we, women and other marginalized identities, contemplated how powerful we must be to have so many forces work hard to dilute us.
Dear Seekers,
C.S. Lewis wrote: “There was no sudden, striking, and emotional transition. Like the warming of a room or the coming of daylight. When you first notice them they have already been going on for some time.” The moments when we become aware that things are different and that we, ourselves, are different amidst these "things," are called "breaking and renewal points" (Sheryl Paul, MA). These moments present opportunities: for continuation (more of the same) or renovation (something new).
Dear Seekers,
You get it. You understand why you are the way you are, what led to your life's challenges, you know it all in your head. And yet, you still can't stop the persistent anxious thoughts, you don't set boundaries and instead continue to be an ATM of "yes," you cope with tools that take the edge off but make you hate yourself the next morning, or you still feel alone even when you are surrounded. The problem isn't with you, it's that you may have spent your life applying cognitive solutions to body-based challenges. We've got some things that might support you in true release and finding your flow this Fall.
Dear Seekers,
Aiko Bethea, executive leadership coach, taught me: "when the truth is made public, there is a loss of innocence in relationships." These losses can be windows to progress or barriers to it. When we hear something that is hard to swallow, our tendency is to fight against it, defend ourselves, propose an alternative, or disagree. Many of us go to a shame place when our egos feel threatened--shame is the fear of disconnection and we are afraid that the undesirable parts of ourselves, when exposed, will lead to disconnection. We interpret the words of another as a personal attack rather than an invitation, a mirror reflection.
Dear Seekers,
One of the reasons I became a therapist is that I love to help people find the light within themselves. To uncover light that is already there. To move aside whatever dims their light. To see light, when they can't, and reflect the image of fire back to them. However, sometimes the journey to uncovering the light doesn't feel good. It can be paved with anger, resentment, pain, regret, and fear. Along your way, remember that each and every dark shadow creates an afterglow (defined as the radiance remaining in the sky after the sun has set).
Read MoreDear Seekers,
If you struggle with boundaries, you struggle with setting limits. Personal boundaries can be hard to maintain for many reasons, and one of them is that they require you to first accept that you are lacking something (skill, capacity, energy, time, or interest) and then to communicate that deficiency to relevant others. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with not having or not wanting to use the fuel in your tank, saying "I can't" or "I won't" is a bold admission in a culture that is constantly encouraging us to "level up," "break the glass ceiling," and "don't quit." On the other hand, sometimes pushing past your limits can stretch you and take you places that improve or change the course of your life--I remember the empowered feeling I had when I ran my first half marathon, or gave birth without pain medication, or screamed "I love you" in a public park to someone that I wasn't sure was going to say it back.
Read MoreDear Seekers,
I just got back from a 2 week vacation with my husband and our best couple friends. These are the people who hold a mirror up to me and remind me who I am when I forget. Early in our relationship, the 4 of us took a vow to speak hard truths lovingly and to help uncover blindspots that could harm ourselves or our relationships. On this trip, we talked about our shared struggle with acceptance: being with the things we don't like about each other and not trying to change them.
Read MoreDear Seekers,
Most of us have heard of gaslighting--when someone else uses manipulation or minimization to make you question your understanding of reality. As a quick reminder, the abusive act is meant to confuse and destabilize you so that you doubt yourself. The purpose of gaslighting is to maintain control over a person or situation. Someone who is gaslighting you may use words like “crazy,” “sensitive,” or “irrational,” and you may leave these interactions feeling confused and powerless.
Read MoreDear Seekers,
I notice that the more awake we are to what seems like an endless reel of trauma in the news, the more our systems are shutting down. My training tells me that to move through negative emotions, we have to face them. And yet, I am hearing from people that it feels like there is too much to face right now.
Dear Seekers,
At Spoke, we are committed to supporting people in interrogating their politeness. There is the type of kindness that comes from an authentic place and there is the kind that covers up authentic emotions, beliefs and identities. Many of us trade in what looks glossy for what feels shitty: being liked over having self-respect. We do this for very good reason--being nice and digestible kept us safe, accepted, and may have secured our relationships. It also triggered an internal battle between who we are and who we think we should be. If you feel un-centered, resentful and notice misalignment between what you're thinking, feeling and doing, this may be an opportunity to examine the ways you learned to abandon yourself (it's not your fault--you were taught to and capitalism, white supremacy and the patriarchy depend on it!).
Dear Seekers,
“Needy” is considered a dirty word in a culture that places a premium on independence. In reality, neediness is synonymous with humanness. Because interdependence is discouraged, many of us feel pressure to disown our needs in a way that goes against our biology–humans are designed to depend on one another. In fact, research shows that when you hold the hand of someone you love while experiencing pain, you rate the pain as less than you do when you are alone.
Read MoreDear Seekers,
When we experience relationship dissatisfaction, we typically blame the other person as the reason why things aren’t feeling good. While our partners may be playing a role, they cannot take 100% of the responsibility, as they are only 50% of the interaction. Every dynamic is co-created.
Read MoreDear Seekers,
Named one of the seven deadly sins, envy gets a bad wrap. Despite it being a very common human experience, most people don't like to own up to it. To admit to feeling negative emotions toward or about another's good fortune, can sound petty or even confirm our suspicion about our lower comparative status. In reality, envy has an important message for us and should not be dismissed.
Read MoreDear Seekers,
I’ve been pondering what perfectionism is at its core, and how it relates to trauma. Perfectionism is defined as one’s “need for personal flawlessness that is accompanied by self-criticism imposed by unrealistic standards.” In addition to a desire to “get it right,” I understand perfectionism as a protective response to feelings associated with trauma, including shame. The clever brain tricks us into believing that “If I get it “just right,” I won’t be rejected or judged.” While this response may help shield us from experiencing pain, it also prevents us from connecting with and expressing our humanness. The consequence of perfectionism is massive–it robs us of our joy and ability to be present in our lives.
Dear Seekers,
I have been writing a monthly column for Well + Good, offering reflections and practices for how to feel connected and alive in your relationship with yourself and others. Last month's column, exploring the case for selfishness in relationships, has gotten a lot of traction and generated conversations at Spoke. We are curious about what it brings up for you!
Read MoreDear Seekers,
I'd like to offer you a moment of tranquility during your busy day. I invite you to imagine the ocean. There are places along the coast where the waves crash upon the shore, sometimes turbulently and dramatically. If you dive deeper under the water, there’s a whole world of life that includes creatures living peacefully even while the chaos persists on the surface. Many of us get caught up in the turbulence of our day-to-day lives and we avoid carving out room for peace because we believe to do so requires major overhauls and big changes. Instead, I propose seeking micro-mindfulness: crawling inside small moments that have big impact.
Read MoreDear Seekers,
Many of you have shared that you feel overwhelmed and are experiencing responsibility fatigue. Your hearts respond to so many people, causes, and interests. Everything feels important, but I propose that everything is not essential. The word "priority" came into the English language in the 1400s. It was singular and meant "the very first or prior thing." It wasn’t made plural for another 500 years. Demands on our time have increased and yet our expectations for ourselves remain the same. So then, how do we create a life that feels full but isn't coated in stress and busyness?
Read MoreDear Seekers,
I believe that every human in modern society experiences anxiety, on some level. How could we not be anxious when the world and her people are on fire, literally and figuratively? However, not all anxiety is created equal– there is a distinction to be made between justifiable anxiety about potential harm, ancestral harm and all the -isms we experience, and what is known as high-functioning anxiety, which typically refers to “someone who experiences anxiety while still managing daily life quite well.” This distinction is important because high-functioning anxiety shows up in many insidious ways, disguised as being productive in response to an overwhelming fear of failure, as an example. Anxiety has become a buzzword, plastered on many headlines, research journals, newsletters ( ;) ) and Instagram feeds. But how do we release it so that we can feel more alive and can access the reservoir of peace within us (new offering below!)?
Dear Seekers,
Misunderstanding is an important experience in a relationship because it invites curiosity and investigation. If you feel "missed," this may be an opportunity to examine what you're sharing about yourself and what you're asking about another. Research shows that we listen the least to those we know the most (we tune them out because we assume we can predict what they are going to say). Those of us who grew up guessing what those around us felt and needed often assume that others have the will and psychic powers to do the same for us.
Read MoreDear Seekers,
In therapy, I often hear clients say, “I don’t see how going back to my past is relevant—it’s painful there and I can’t change it.” While I honor this guard, I also hold that it’s telling me something very valuable—there are wounds inside that have developed much needed, protective scar tissue. To move forward, we must go back to the past to bring forward what is useful. (Read on to sign up for a Spoke offering to make meaning out of COVID-19 moments in honor of the 2 year anniversary).
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